Friday, 19 February 2010

Laugh It Off With Kola Akande


Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house. The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,
"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?
Out of breath the husband replies,
"No, he said we must carry our burdens..." 

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The Evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV and placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his private parts. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it, do you??!! The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, NOT raise the dead!!!
It comes to the end of Bill Gates long, successful life, he finds himself in the Purgatory waiting room, when God enters...
"Well, Bill," says God, "I'm confused. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell: you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you've also created some of the most unearthly frustrations known to mankind. I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you choose where you want to go."
Bill replies, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly to help you make your decision."
"Okay, where should I go first?" asks Bill.
God says, "That's up to you."
Bill says, "OK, let's try Hell first."
So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There are thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is just right. The whole thing looks perfect, and Bill is very pleased.
"This is great!" he tells God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," says God, and off they go.
Heaven is a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It very nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a moment and announces his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell." he tells God.
"Fine," says God, "As you desire."
So Bill Gates is taken to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decides to check up on Bill to see how he's doing in Hell. When God arrives in Hell, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He's being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asks.
Bill replies, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, it's not what I expected at all, I can't believe it. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God smiles and says, "That was the screen saver.

 Did the priest lie?

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her:

Woman : "Father, may I ask a favour?"

Priest : "Of course. What may I do for you?"

Woman : "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me.......... Under your robe perhaps?"

Priest : "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

Woman: "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

Custom Officer: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

Priest : "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

Custom Officer: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Priest : "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Custom Officer: (Roaring with laughter, said) "Go ahead, Father." Next!


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?
' the man asked.
The wife replied
'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said
'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

3days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious!!
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked
‘What was that for? Why did u hit me again.?’
The wife replied.
'Your horse phoned!!'

The son, the mother, the father

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap..'

Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


Do You Know?

Do you know that on August 7, 2009 at 12hr 34 minutes and 56 seconds the time and date will be 12:34:56 07/08/09 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9. This will never happen in our life again??!!!!
The Family Secret
A young Nigerian man met an attractive girl and started going out with her. Soon enough the two became inseparable and they agreed to get married. The man took the girl home so that she could meet his parents. After the meeting, he told his dad of his intention to marry the girl and asked for his blessings. The old man flatly refused to give his blessing. The young man was shocked and asked his father to give him the reason for his refusal. The old man pulled his son aside and confided
' My son, the girl you want to marry is your sister, but let us keep it between ourselves because your mommy doesn't know.'
The boy was flabbergasted and could not believe this. He left his dad and remained distraught. After a few days of frustration, his mother noticed it and asked her son what was troubling him. Hoping to overcome his frustrations, he decided to tell his mom his dad's little secret. His mom paused for a minute and then started to smile. She looked at his son and told him
'My son, if you love the girl then you should be with her, so marry her.'
The boy was surprised by this and asked his mother ' what about what I've just told you? You do realize she is my sister?'
His mom whispered to him: 'Son your daddy isn't your father, but your daddy doesn't know....... '
Memo To All Staff.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in the country since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers over 40 years of age on early retirement. This Scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deem appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouses) or HERPES (Half-Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management have always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Have a good day
Managing Director.

You Can't Be A Millionare If You Have An E-mail Address

A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.

'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ... He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.

The man replied,'I don't have an email.'

The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!'

The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!'

Moral of the story

1 Internet is not the solution to your life.

2 If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

3 If you received this message by email, you are closer to being a office boy/girl,than a millionaire..........

PLEASE Do not forward this email back to me, I am closing my email account & going to sell tomatoes!!!

Award Winning Divorce Letter!

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show
for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new
pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep
after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me
anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as
husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
Whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

The response (SO GOOD!):
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week,
but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER
because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago!
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from
you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them,
& I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had
just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my
job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got
home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures
you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this,
but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem
Double Explanation!
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
Loving Couple Anniversary Wish
A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 43rd wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. "

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story is this: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.

The Zoo Job
Did you hear about the man who was looking for a job? He noticed there was an opening at the local zoo. Upon inquiry, he discovered the zoo had a very unusual position that they wanted to fill.

Apparently their gorilla had died, and until they could get a new one, they needed someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla for a few days. He was to just sit, eat, and sleep. Of course, his identity would be kept a secret, and no one would be the wiser, thanks to a very fine gorilla suit. The zoo offered good pay for this job, so the man decided to do it. He tried on the suit and sure enough, he looked just like a gorilla.

They led him to the cage; he took a position at the back of the cage and pretended to sleep. But after a while, he got tired of sitting so he walked around a little bit, jumped up and down and tried a few gorilla noises. The people watching him seemed to really like that. When he would move or jump around, they would clap and cheer and throw him peanuts. And the man loved peanuts.

So he jumped around some more and tried climbing a tree. That seemed to really get the crowd excited. They threw more peanuts. Playing to the crowd, he grabbed a vine and swung from one side of the cage to the other. The people loved it and threw more peanuts. "Wow! This is great," he thought. He swung higher and the crowd grew bigger. He continued to swing on the vine, getting higher and higher and then all Last, all of a sudden, the vine broke! He swung up and out of the cage, landing in the lion's cage that was next door. He panicked.

There was a huge lion not twenty feet away, and it looked very hungry. So the man in the gorilla suit started jumping up and down, screaming and yelling, "Help, help! Get me out of here! I'm not really a gorilla! I'm a man in a gorilla suit! HELP!" The lion quickly pounced on the man, held him down and said, NNAMDI NO FEAR NA ME OBAFEMI "be quiet! You're going to make both of us lose our jobs'

Kola Akande
Finance Department
Arawak Walton Housing Association Ltd
Ardwick, Manchester.
Telephone: 01612726094
Fax: 01612734080


Swine flu origin & someone getting richer

Ever wondered how the Swine stuff started? And how it will affect 9ja?
Well, this guy kissed the swine. Then his mummy kissed him
And the daddy kissed his mummy and.....
I think one of the parents kissed someone else and...
Someone in 9JA will soon kiss someone that kissed someone that kissed someone that... And our government will start asking for aid to tackle the epidemic
And someone will get richer!

Apartment for rent
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed please find a check worth $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that;

1. - It had never been occupied;

2. - There was plenty of heat; and

3. - It was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

1. - It had been previously occupied,

2. - There wasn't any heat, and

3. - It was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the checkFor $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

1 I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment toremain unoccupied indefinitely.

2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame themanagement. So, please send the rent in full or we will be forced tocontact your present landlady.

Kola Akande
Finance Department
Arawak Walton Housing Association Ltd
Ardwick, Manchester.
Telephone: 01612726094
Fax: 01612734080

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